2019 Bloodlines Archive

One Pill

by Jessica Bellar

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As she begins to awake… everything is gray, as it had been since she could remember. This morning, like every morning, she is unable to find the drive to muster any energy to get out of bed to begin her day.

She lays in bed like a pile of dirty clothes that need to be washed.

She imagines herself in a hole with steep walls that are tall—one thousand foot high like the walls at Horseshoe Bend, Lake Powell. She feels like she is in a hole. This hole begins to fill with shovels of dirt. Clumps fall on her head, face and body. The dirt is cold, hard, and moist. She is unable to stop the dirt and the feeling of drowning fills her mind while the shovels of dirt begin to add up, her feet are covered, soon her pelvis, up to her neck. She can’t take much more.

She pulls herself up and out of bed unwillingly and gets ready for the day. She thinks all I have to do is run through the motions and get the day over with. She is reluctant to go outside she doesn’t know what awaits her in the unforgiving, uncomfortable, unpleasant, miserable space outside of the walls she lives in. She foresees whatever is out there, is going to be excruciating.

She tries to brace herself as best as she can. During the day the minutes pass and she feels every minute of every day. It feels like the days all run together; there is no beginning and no end and nothing is changing.

Her serotonin levels are depleted. Depleted from the events in her life that have transpired one horrific event after another. Life has taken away her smile and laugh and she is unsure if she will ever be the same person she was before— this saddens her. She wasn’t a bad person before all these life changing events occurred but she feels like one now. It is hard to hold back the tears that constantly try to push themselves to the inside corners of her eyes. The tears develop for microscopic reasons; sometimes she is unable to hold them back. This isn’t any kind of a life, she is trying to survive, she goes through the motions to stay alive, eat and sleep.

One pill.

She takes this one pill. It makes her nauseated and lethargic. The next day she takes it again. She takes a nap and wakes up. Upon waking up she is excited and realizes that something has changed in her, something for the positive.

As simple as that her smile is back, she has missed her smile. Each day is welcomed; she awakes happy, excited and ready to wrangle the day. The world is not so bad and she not that intimidated of what may get thrown her way. This may be a facade version of her but it is what is needed right now.

She didn’t realize the extent of how badly she felt and for how long she had felt this way, until she felt good. Her world drastically improved. She wasn’t as irritable, she laughed- a lot. She was able to think more clearly and remember things. Most importantly her thoughts weren’t always negative, nor her feelings or her communication. She has a boost in energy and a want to accomplish things. Now, she can begin to working on improving herself and soul. That pile of dirty laundry is now washed, folded, organized and put in its proper place. That hole has been filled in, she is standing on top, flowers have been planted on top and that person has been buried and a new person is emerged. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon.

She thinks it is amazing how many funny and silly things are in the world. Nothing can bring her down; there have been things that have tried, she will win. When she looks at herself she doesn’t see a disgusting person anymore, sees her perceived self that she projects out into the world. This is her best self possible almost like being a super human.

She soon realizes that she doesn’t want to rely upon this one pill for the rest of her life. She beings to research how to produce serotonin. After doing some research she realizes that she doesn’t need a pill to be happy. Her happiness is in herself. It’s always been there, she just needed to find it because it had been buried for so long.

She begins to slowly stop taking the pill. She feels odd but begins to work out. Her work out consist of running, biking, and lightly lifting weights. She feels herself getting physically and mentally stronger. Every day when she looks in the mirror she thinks of one good thing about herself or her life.

Soon she has completely weaned herself off of the pills. She has now become more than she ever thought she could become. She is completely happy and she is living a fulfilled life.

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Pandora

by Michael McKnight

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My alarm has sounded 3 times now and all I want to do is go back to sleep. Back to the familiar. You’d think I would be excited, maybe even nervous. But truth is, I can’t imagine school being any different on this planet than it is on earth. The natural resources on earth have vanished, used to extinction and all the people of earth were forced to relocate to our new home, Pandora. Filled with lush green trees and flowing bodies of water, that are very similar to the ones we had on earth but for some reason, it just doesn’t feel like home.

My mom yells, “John Jamison you get your butt out of bed now!”

As I roll over and force my self out of bed, I dread the day to come.

So here I am, sitting in the last row of my first-period class waiting for my new science teacher, Mr. Alton, to walk into the room. As I’m waiting, I can’t help but stare at everyone. It seems like everyone knows someone, but not me. I sit by myself.

“I heard that Mr. Alton was a mad scientist back on earth and had like, mega clearance to government information!” I hear coming from next to me. “Hi, the name’s Benny but everyone just calls me ‘B’.”

“Hey” I say with less enthusiasm. “I haven’t heard anything about Mr. Alton, I just hope I pass.” As Mr. Alton walks in, his size matches a hobbit with long grey hair that looks like he got electrocuted. Maybe Benny, I mean B, was right: he looks crazy.

B asks me “what class do you have next?”

I check my schedule, “It looks like I have economics of Pandora.”

“Me too! We should walk to our next class together.”

The hallways seem spacious since the walls are glass with views of the outside, but crammed with all the students rushing to class. I stop at my locker to get my book. We don’t have ordinary locks. To open my locker I just use my thumbprint. B seems to know more people. He waves at some of the other kids in school. He looks to me and says, “I don’t know any of those people I just waved for fun!” We both chuckle with laughter. We walk through the courtyard to get to our next class. The trees are as tall as skyscrapers, the bushes covering every inch of ground. It looks as if they have never been touched. We choose our seats next to each other and class begins.

By lunchtime B and I seem to be getting along very well. I say to myself, I think B is pretty cool. We sit together at a table while a robot brings our lunches, laughing about the classes we had earlier in the day. We find out our houses are close to each other and decided to walk home together. We both live thirty minutes from the school; maybe now my walk won’t be so bad. I look at the time and lunch is over, already. B and I don’t have anymore classes together so I tell him to meet me at the front doors of the school at the end of the day.

On our walk home B and I discuss our day, the classes the teachers and the other students at our school. We also talk about the things we miss back home on Earth, the way the air smells, the old house my dad built, the feeling of home. But as I thought about it more I realized maybe it’s not so bad here on Pandora. I have a new friend, school wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be and I made it to the end of the day with a smile on my face.

Pandora is my new home.

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